awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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