I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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