3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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