I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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