I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
