if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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