He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
