i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
