i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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