evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
