I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Vodka?
Forever.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
