I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
