I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
