How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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