11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
