Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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