Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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