alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
