a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
