also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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