I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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