I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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