My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
