are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
