hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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