she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
