You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
