I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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