They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
