you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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