I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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