I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
