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i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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