The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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