I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
