remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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