Please, let me fuck your mom
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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