And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
my poor anus
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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