You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
