I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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