we have officially lost it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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