tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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