Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
