Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
