Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
