We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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