Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You made out with two different species that night
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
