I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
