the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
