Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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