I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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