i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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