actually, I'm a sock model
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
