So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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