Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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