uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
